Friday, July 20, 2007

Civil Servants, as Played by The Three Stooges

Featuring Concerned Chiropractic Citizen (CCC)

Scene One, "The Bank"

CCC has been examining her bank records for the month of June, and realizes that some of her money is missing. She goes, with the proof of the deposit slips, to her bank and presents them with the evidence.

Larry: Are you sure you are not mistaken?
CCC: Take a look at the receipts, I could not forge these very easily.
Larry: (With annoyance) Damn, I will have to go through the records. This could take a while.

Three hours later

Larry: We deposited your money in someone else's account.
CCC: OK, and...
Larry: (Angrily) We gave it back to you, are you happy?!
CCC: Yes, thank you. (Pause) While I am here, can I get change of this 100?
Larry: No, we ran out of money.

Scene Two, "The Police"

A white Volvo sits on the corner of the street, covered in so much dirt that teenagers are leaving messages for each other on the windows. The last time its owner paid attention to it, he put blocks under the wheels so it wouldn't roll down the street into traffic. That was six months ago.

CCC decides to call the police to get the unsightly car towed away.

Calling police station, getting automated phone menu, trying every possible extension until finally someone in Human Resources answers the phone, and connects me to the front desk.

Fifteen minutes later

CCC: Hello and good morning. I am calling about an abandoned car on my block, I would like to get it removed as soon as possible.
Moe: Why are you calling us?
CCC: Because you are the police.
Moe: Oh no, you want the OTHER police.

Scene Three, "The 'Other' Police"

CCC: Hello and good morning. I am calling about an abandoned car on my block, I would like to get it removed as soon as possible.
Curly: Very well, please give me your name, your phone number, your favorite ice cream flavour, your bra size, the license plate number of the car, the color of the car and your address.

Twenty minutes later

Curly: Wait a minute, you said this car was abandoned?
CCC: Yes
Curly: We don't deal with abandoned cars, only suspicious cars.
CCC: So if I had said that the car was ticking and was about to blow up, you would have taken care of it?
Curly: Yes.
CCC: And it's too late for me to change my story, just to get this car towed.
Curly: Yes.
Curly: You have to call the Jerusalem Municipality.

Scene Four, "The Municipality"

CCC: Hello, I would like an abandoned car moved from my street.
Shemp: Is it abandoned or just parked there?
CCC: Parked there, for a really long time, six months.
Shemp: How do you know they will not come back for it?
CCC: Because it hasn't been touched for the last six months.
Shemp: Does it have parking tickets on it?
CCC: No, but it is dirty, and is blocking the entrance to the street, and the last time I saw its owner there, he opened the engine, took out a bunch of essential parts and propped it up with blocks. That was six months ago.
Shemp: OK, give me your name, your phone number, a 500 word essay on "What I did on my summer vacation," the license plate number of the car, and your address.

Ten minutes later

Shemp: The car is white?
CCC: Yes.
Shemp: Well, according to our records, he has paid up on his insurance, so he can park wherever he wants and for as long as he wants.
CCC: This is why I pay taxes?!
Shemp: Well aren't you glad that we have this policy? Imagine if you went to Brazil for six months and while you were gone, your car got towed.
CCC: Well, I wouldn't leave a non-functional car on a dangerous corner in a neighborhood in which I do not live.
Shemp: Maybe you should speak to the police about this.

Fade to Black

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