Mister Rogers on Relationships

Fred McFeely Rogers, known as Mister Rogers to the civilized world, was a calming and assuring presence in my life when I was a child. Even today, I find his simple approach to life comforting and totally on target. Reading his books as an adult, I feel like he still values me as a person, that he is speaking directly to me and my struggles.

That is the power of the man, and his words.

Given my frustration with the dating and marriage scene, I found this advice of his most helpful, and wish to pass it on to those readers who could use it:

"Love" is a word to use with care. It means many different things and can be expressed in many different ways. But I think it means that a person can grow to his or her fullest potential only in mutually caring relationships with other human beings.

Mutually caring relationships require kindness and patience, tolerance, optimism, joy in others' achievements, confidence in oneself, and the ability to give without undue thought of gain. We need to accept the fact that it is not in the power of any human being to provide all these things all the time. For any of us, mutually caring relationships will also always include some measure of unkindness and impatience, intolerance, pessimism, envy, self-doubt, and disappointment.

Love doesn't mean a state of perfect caring. To love someone is to strive to accept that person exactly the way he or she is, right here and now - and to go on caring through joyful times and through times that may bring us pain.

May the new year bring us all joy, and the love that we need in our lives.

What Did You Say?

Communication. Essential for any healthy and productive relationship, and certainly helpful when you have moved to a new country. When I moved to Israel in 1997, I studied in Ulpan, an intensive Hebrew language course. The Israeli government paid for my tuition and gave me a small monthly stipend for the period of time in which I studied and therefore, worked less.

The teachers' strike ended only last week, after close to two months, and many university professors are still on strike. Some genius in the government has decided that in order to remedy the mess in the elementary schools, all funding for Ulpan should be frozen indefinitely. Because in the choice between Israeli-born citizens, and immigrants who have given up so much to live here, the citizens come first.

Israelis always seem to come first. As soon as I open my mouth and speak my top flight Hebrew with my natural American accent, most Israelis will try to take advantage of me. If you move to Israel as an adult male, you cannot logistically serve the same army service as a 18 year old sabra; and yet, if you apply for a job and your resume indicates that you are not a "true" Israeli soldier, you are much less likely to get the position. Even if you serve more reserve duty than many Israelis who served the full three years.

I will always have my unfortunate American accent when I speak Hebrew, but I gave up a salary four times what I make here, I gave up family and friends, because I wanted to fulfill my dream of living in the Jewish homeland and giving the best of myself to this country. I was one of the lucky immigrants, coming with solid Hebrew and a natural talent for languages. Others may not be so blessed, they may need to start at the ground floor, with the Aleph-Bet.

Israel should be encouraging new immigrants, rather than taking away their import rights, and taking away any chance of clear communication in Hebrew or integration into their new home.

The Art of Apology

Regardless of race, religion and country, I believe that humans can be divided into two basic groups: those who know how to say "I'm sorry," and those for whom ego or mild psychosis prevents them from ever admitting they are wrong.

I grew up in a house where I observed both extremes of that behaviour, and I try to emulate my father's example of generally taking responsibility and apologizing in a timely manner, ie. not three days later when the argument has festered into a septic sensitive sore. This week was a test of that commitment.

Earlier in the week, I was standing in the copy shop preparing some documents for work. An elderly woman came up to me and asked "Are you done yet," when I clearly was not. Most days I would either ignore the silly question, or respond firmly and yet kindly. That day, I turned around, sneered at her, and said, "Does it look like I am done?" (I plead insomnia, I had slept less than three hours the night before.) She was both offended and intimidated, and it was only after I left the store that I felt badly about my exaggerated and belligerent behaviour. I considered going back and apologizing to this woman, but did not, and instead let myself feel guilty about it for several hours.

Sometimes you need to know when to swallow ego and the need to be right. Two days ago, a patient - obviously in pain - called to see if she could schedule an emergency appointment. I was unable to create an opening, and suggested that she see someone else while I placed her name on a Waiting List, or try palliative measures for two days and receive treatment today (Friday). We tentatively scheduled, and I assured her that as soon as there was a cancellation, I would contact her.

Yesterday, she called to remind me that she was in pain, that she would like to get an appointment as soon as possible, and to make sure that I remembered her state of suffering.
I apologized for her perception that I had been anything but accommodating and understanding, but that I truly would have seen her sooner if I could have. She hung up sounding sad and angry.

For several hours afterwards - while cooking, while swimming, while running errands - I obsessed, not about potentially losing a patient, but knowing that I had in fact done everything within the natural limit, and knowing that she was sitting at home moping about this. My perceptive house cleaner pointed out that if I was mulling over the relatively minor event to this extent, surely she was suffering as well, and I ought to call her to clear the air.

Which I did; I called her and in as kind a tone as I could muster, explained that I truly tried to see her when she had initially called, but that there are only so many hours in the day. I proceeded by emphasizing that my actions were not to be taken personally in any way, that I wish to continue to help her in the future, and I don't want "bad feelings" driving a wedge between us.

She thanked me for calling back, and I thanked her for listening. After hanging up the phone, while there was still a part of me that felt that I was compromising myself for the Greater Peace, I felt like I had faced and dealt with the consequences of the words that came out of my mouth.

And now that I have spilled all this out to you, dear reader, the obsessing ends.

Raising Our Parents

I am a grown up, with a successful career, a string of mostly positive life choices, fun hobbies and good friends. I am single, to the extreme disappointment of my parents, because after hundreds of dates, several long term relationships and one broken engagement, I would rather be happy and single than be married and miserable with the wrong person. Through life experience, lots of hard work and introspection and a little therapy, I have become a person whose company I enjoy, almost unrecognizable from the person I was growing up.

My mother still speaks to me like I am the sullen, introverted, judgemental 13 year old, living in her house. My friends tell me that no matter how much they have achieved in life, their parents treat them the same way, it's "natural" to fall into habits that were set years ago, modes of relating and behaviour that are so hard wired that even a complete Reset would not get rid of it.

I give others the benefit of the doubt that I afford myself, if I can change, if I am willing to put in the effort and the pain of examining the proverbial elephant camped in the middle of the room, so why can't my parents? Several weeks ago, with no apparent trigger, a routine phone call with my mother turned into a psychological nightmare. My mother launched a ten minute diatribe, actual character assassination; that she does not enjoy speaking to me and that there is nothing in my life that she be proud of. That I reflect her failure as a mother, and I must leave my independent life, move back into my parents house so they can fix me.

My only so-called failure in this case was my not hanging up immediately when she started spewing garbage. I have since not spoken to her, and through my father relayed the message that I await an apology, an apology that comes from the truth of knowing and understanding that you have hurt someone you love, an apology that says that she has examined her own motivations and will try her hardest not to repeat her performance.

Her version of the story is that I owe her an apology for hanging up on her, because she cannot admit her responsibility here, because she would rather be the victim than admit that she has victimized someone else.

I wait for this apology, hoping that this blackout period of communication will make a difference. I may be waiting for a long time...

The Ideal Chiropractic Patient

There is nothing more satisfying that finishing a day of work, knowing that I have given my clients my focused attention and care, that they have returned to their families and can live a more fulfilling life because they feel at their best.

As a doctor, I will take you on time, and try not to eat a garlic and onion sandwich first thing in the morning. As my client, here are the things you can do to get the most out of your Chiropractic care

1. Arrive on Time: At my last annual eye exam, the Optometrist made me wait an hour before he took me into his office. I did not appreciate that as a patient, as I feel that both the doctor's time and the patient's time has value.
If you come on time, I will take you on time. If you arrive a few minutes early, I will try to leave the waiting time to a minimum, and that depends mostly on the person who came before you.
If you arrive late, you will have less time with me, as I do not wish to make the person after you wait.

2. Keep Whining to the Necessary Minimum: Remember that pain is a symptom, and the purpose of Chiropractic care is to arrive at a point of optimal functioning and well-ness, by realigning the spine and the resulting compensation throughout your body. I will ask you what you are feeling subjectively, and I encourage you to give me feedback as the treatment goes on.
I will not encourage you to focus on pain, because it will slow down your improvement.

3. Commit: I have been receiving Chiropractic care from my father since I was a child, as I believe that my body is my responsibility, and that I must do everything I can to live to a ripe old age in the best physical and mental situation possible. The care I give you is only a piece of the puzzle, you live with your body every day, 24/7, and it is the choices you make when you are not in my office that will most affect your progress.
Take responsibility for your body, treat it nicely as the receptacle for your soul, and as part of that, commit to Chiropractic care joyously and willingly.

4. Respect the Treatment: If you do not want to get better, if you do not trust the intention of the treatment, your body will tense up and you will do yourself more harm than good. Chiropractic works because your body has an Innate Intelligence to repair itself; as your doctor I "cure" nothing, rather I give your body instructions and release any interference that my prevent you from feeling well.
Respect your body, it knows what it is doing., and know that above all, to quote Hippocrates, I will do no harm. Remember also that Chiropractic, like any other medical approach, does not claim to be a miracle "quick-fix," it will take more than one treatment before you feel radically different.

5. Pay on Time: You would not walk into a supermarket, eat a loaf of bread, and tell the manager that you will pay for the bread next week. You would most definitely not like to be told that your boss will pay when he feels like it. And the dog did not eat your checkbook.
Unless you have worked out a specific arrangement, paying on time tells the doctor that you appreciate and respect the work he/she has done, and everyone feels better.

6. Do Your Homework: When I give you suggestions about diet, exercise, ergonomic changes in the office or stress reduction at home, it is your choice to follow through, or not. It is your body, and the choice is 100% up to you. I can tell you not only from my own experience but also from the research, that a person who combines Chiropractic care with healthier living and exercise will get better faster.
Next time you come in, don't tell me that "it isn't working," if you have not done your part. This is a partnership, rather than a Band-Aid approach.

7. Refer Your Friends: My goal is to give you a higher body awareness and balance, so that you can avoid problems before they start. It would be my pleasure to have you come for preventative care, not because you are hurting but because you want to keep yourself in a state of health and well being.
When I have helped you, refer your friends and family. Let them receive the benefit of the care that you have enjoyed. I have treated whole families, from the baby who was just born (chronic ear infections, colic) to the working Mom and Dad, to their 90 year old grandfather; each with their own individual approach.

Don't you want to give your family and friends the opportunity to understand and communicate with their bodies, and to experience vitality on a daily basis?